Misadventures in Middle Earth
by MoonDeity
Summary: When Elrond's eyebrows get stolen, who will save Middle Earth? And can that hero manuver around the crack subscripts implanted inside this venture? A celebration crack for DANA! Crackachinno w whipped cream, sprinkled liberally with cinnamon. R
1. Engagements and Eyebrows

_**A/N**: Hi. These here are some shots of LOTR crack sloppily twined together as a multi-chapter, multi-functioning crack pineapple party! This serves as DANA'S Roma, Christmas, New Year's, and Pineapple Party present. HAPPY EVERYTHING, DANA! I LURVE YE!!!! _

_**Disclaimer:** Everything © Tolkien _

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_**Let's do this! **_

We begin our venture in Mirkwood, at the palace of the wood-elves. Legolas and his father, King Thranduil were in the receiving court. Thranduil sat on a big-ass pimp chair, and Legolas stood beside him in his best little dress shirt and crown. King T-Bone had a very bizarre grin on his face, and was wearing his usual crown of leaves.

"Do I look all right, Father?" Legolas was fiddling with his tunic. "Is my collar straight? Is there any mud on my boots? How's my hair look?"

Thranduil stared weirdly ahead.

"Father…" Legolas glanced hesitantly up at the King. "Do you think she'll like me…?"

"NOT AT ALL, SON!!" Thranduil bellowed. He settled back into his wacky smile. Legolas blinked and looked ashen.

"O-oh…"

Behind them, the court elves sighed and whispered.

"Thranduil's just never been the same after that whole vaginal ring incident…"

Legolas was trying not to cry.

The doors opened, and two men came in carrying a large rectangular object. Legolas gulped as they set it on the floor, grasped the cloth…and pulled it down to unveil a large floor-length mirror.

"OHMAIGAW, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!!" Legolas cried, looking eye-to-eye with his reflection in the mirror. "Never has such a gorgeous creature graced the lands of Middle Earth!!"

He hopped over to it and proceeded to oogle and glomp...himself.

"DANG, I'M PURTY!! TOO PURTY FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!" He hollered as he humped the edge of the glass.

The mirror-handlers paid no mind to the self-fornication, and advanced on Thranduil, grabbing him underneath his armpits, hauling him off to his private chambers.

"Right then, time to talk 'sum foreign relations," one said.

"Yeah, we want proper compensation for throwing one of best mirrors to your gibbering, asexual mess of a son," the other added.

"I SMELL A POKEMON BATTLE!!" Thranduil exclaimed.

Behind him, Legolas was dragging the mirror off to the ceremonial honeymoon chamber, declaring that he "could not wait" to be properly bonded to himself.

"I wanna move to Rivendell," one court elf whimpered.

"Oh, no, you do NOT," one retorted. "You have nooo idea…"

Kickin' it over to Rivendell… 

"DAMMIT!!" Elrond shrieked. His twin sons, Elladan and Elrohir, ran flailing gleefully away into the halls of Rivendell. A shaggy piece of fur was clenched in their fists.

"COME BACK WITH MY EYEBROWS!!" He bellowed. "IMA GO—oooh…feeling woozy…"

Elrond swerved, fell to the ground and rolled down the stairs. Glorfindel came around the corner, yelped and nearly piddled himself at seeing his browless master.

"Lord…?" Glorfy leaned tentatively over the elf-king.

"Source…of power…gone…" Elrond wheezed.

Glorfy-poo stepped back from Elrond, a bit horrified at the vast, expanseless forehead of his master. It was pale, colossal, and seemed to invitingly call to him as it swirled around the inside of his mind.

_Come, Glorfindel…_Elrond's forehead said. _Come join with my infinite dimensions…_

Glorfifi trembled, and tore away from Elrond.

"YOU SHALL NOT TAKE ME, EVIL HEAD!!" He shrieked and ran away through the house of the elves.

Glorfoschnitzel (with a name like _Glorfindel,_ how can you not expect to be made fun of? THE BEATINGS CONTINUE!!) spun through the halls, chaotically whirling. Thousands of miles away in Eowyn's crib at Edoras, Faramir sat straight up.

"Something…just…**_broke_**…" he said, blinking. He got out of bed, and started dressing.

"Faramir?" Eowyn called groggily from the bed. "Where are you going?"

Faramir spun around, dressed for success.

"IMA DO SOMETHIN' 'BOUT 'DIS!!!" he declared, fist triumphantly in the air, drums beating and trumpets screaming as a glorious riot of angels and luminescence poured from behind his head, rendering him a truly god-like figure of justice and order.

"'Kay."

An angel crashed into the window.

"Oh," Faramir rubbed the back of his head. "So, uh…I'll be back in time for dinner."

"Righteous," Eowyn rolled over, and went back to sleep. Faramir went out, mounted his horse, and twiddled across the continent, making for Rivendell.

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_**A/N:** So, yeah, OC's are a no-no, a Gimli pairing is just not hot, Aragorn has an elf-babe, so the only OTHER person on Middle Earth worthy of Legolas…is Legolas. 0.O Asexuality solves all international conflicts. _


	2. Bubbles, in the Good Way

Disclaimer: Everything © Tolkien   
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A Brief Fruitcake… 

MEANWHILE, in Minas Tirith, screams rose up through the air, and killed a stray Nazgul that had gotten away. They continued, and in the main hall of the king, Aragorn writhed and flailed in…a steamy bubble bath smelling lightly of rosehips and lavender.

"NGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Scented water was going everywhere as centuries of filth fell off the king's body.

"Oh, do stop being a drama queen," Gandalf sighed. His pleas didn't do jackshit, as Aragorn continued his little tantrum.

Arwen ran in, saw her hubbie bobbing in the water along with shampoo and bath salts and a little rubber Balrog toy, and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank GOD he is being bathed!!" She went over and sat next to Gandalf on the throne. "You know, when he kissed me at the coronation, he smelled of burnt hair and nasty artichokes."

"Yes, he went straight for the gold on that strike," Gandalf said.

Aragorn reached over the edge of the tub, and attempted to grab his sword.

"Oh, HELL no, G," Anduril scooted out of the way. "Them grimy fingers and unkept nails be NOT touchin' my biscuit agains!" The sword then proceeded to pelt his master with soap.

After a day and a half of soaking, scrubbing, wringing, stomping, beating, chewing, and drying of Aragorn by the finest elf hygienists, the King broke free of his bonds, ran naked through the city screaming, "I DON'T WANNA!!" and made it to the marshlands where he rolled in mud and dirt and scraped his head along the floor of Shadowfax's stall.

He then returned to the castle, hugged a reluctant Arwen, stuck his tongue out at Gandalf, and chased the horrified elves into Mordor.

"He has gunk on his skin!"

"He smells like poopy!!"

"I am _slightly_ aroused…" one elf contemplated.

"HUG ME, BITCHES!!"

"AAAH, NEVER MIND!!!"

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_**A/N:** Arwen needs to blackmail Aragorn someday; assert her feminine rights to a clean-smelling king. She was pretty much being….absorbed by Aragorn at that coronation ceremony. _


	3. A Touchingly True Story

_**Disclaimer:** Everything © Tolkien._

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_**Back on the Faramir channel…**_

Meanwhilst, Faramir was doodling along the countryside, when he came up behind a wagon of none other than the mirror-makers that delivered Legolas his…fiancée.

The cart behind them was laden heavily with gold, jewels, and Tahitian love girls wearing coconut bras that they had evidently got as payment for their services.

"Damnit all to hell, Clem."

"What's wrong, Mel?"

"That dirty bastard Thranduil traded me a cheap holographic Squirtle when he said it was a Ditto."

"Well, on the bright side, Mel, we did get us some Tahitian love girls."

"Who would've guessed that an immortal elf-king would have such a large stash?"

"S'CUZE me!" Faramir shouted.

The two turned around.

"Hey there, neighbor!"

"Uh, yeah," Faramir kicked his horse into a more advanced shamble and caught up with the two hicks. "Do you guys know what news flies out of Rivendell?"

"We came upon a frothing, half-naked elf up a while ago," Clem said. "Something about the fabric of the universe being torn apart. We let the thing roll off the edge of a cliff."

"YOU COULD'VE CAUGHT IT AND QUESTIONED HIM!!" Faramir shouted.

Clem and Mel narrowed their eyes.

"You tryin' some _voodoo_ on us there, mister?" Clem asked.

"Yeah, you don't want to mess none with us," Mel said. "We're from INDIANA."

Faramir looked at them sideways.

"What are two guys from Indiana doing in Middle Earth?"

A light just dawned in Clem's eyes.

"Huh? You mean this ain't North Dakota?"

"NO!!" Faramir hollered.

Clem slapped the back of Mel's head.

"Goddamnit, Mel, ya read the order wrong AGAIN!!"

"Idiots," Faramir whispered.

"What'd you say?" The two hicks snapped back up to stare at him.

"Nothing…"

"Now, look here, unloved son of an insane ruler who wasn't even the right ruler," Mel pointed at him. "You wanna go? Then let's settle this like we do in the Crossroads of America."

Faramir drew his sword, ready to rumble. The hicks drew themselves up, whirled around, some cardboard fell down, and out jumped…

"AUTO-SHOW!! AUTO-SHOW!!!"

Faramir found himself under the high steel roof of the Convention Center, surrounded by twirly plastic platforms, gleaming chrome, thick plush carpet, and cheap-ass American made automobiles.

"WHOO-HOO!!"

Clem and Mel whooped and hollered from inside a huge Ford pick-up truck that was on a rotating show stand.

"Beat our asses now, ya fonz!"

"What the hell kind of auto-show is this?" Faramir gestured around. "There's nothing but Ford, Mitsubishi, and Chevys around here. Where are the Porsches, the Lotuses, the Ferrari's?"

"Son," Clem leaned out. "This is AMERICA. We got AMERICAN cars up in here."

Faramir rolled his eyes, took the flat of his sword, and slammed it down on the hood of the Ford. There was creaking and groaning, and then the entire thing fell apart, the doors hit the floor, the wheels rolled away, and the engine burst into flame as the roof and the truck bed collapsed.

Clem and Mel blinked.

"JeZUS Christ!"

"Who _knew_ Fords were so poorly made!!" sobbed Mel.

"Mel! We've been defeated!!" hollered Clem. "QUICK!! To the state fairgrounds!! Only there can we regain our strength!!"

Clem and Mel ran from the steaming wreckage of the pick-em-up truck, and dashed away next door to the cum-and-popcorn scented racetrack bandstand, plotting their next strike.

Faramir shook his head, sheathed his sword, and continued to diddle onward to Rivendell.

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_**A/N:** Dana, this chapter was for you. _


	4. Giftshops

Disclaimer: Everything © Tolkien 

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A Public Service Announcement from Glade… 

Skipping transcontinental for a moment, we find ourselves in Mordor. Aragorn was naked, chasing a group of elves past Mount Doom…where a crew from National Geographic was unearthing the Pompeii-esque ruins of the last explosion!

"Oh, look. Hobbit mummies."

Brandon Fraser threw aside the short little corpses, and in his doing, cracked open a geode. Leaning over it, he found a sparkling array of crystals, and stuck in the rock, a golden ring.

"This will be great for the gift shop!!"

And so, the One Ring was shipped to Tokyo and sold in their Natural History Museum. A little kid named Tai bought it, and the popular children's television show Digimon was changed forever.

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_**A/N:** THAT was short, but it had to be done. _


	5. I Want THIS Scene on My Binder

  
Disclaimer: Everything © Tolkien 

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On the flip-side… 

BACK IN Rivendell, Faramir galloped up to Elrond's digs, which he assumed to be the epicenter of the trouble, hence all the screaming. He dismounted, and upon going inside, viewed a flailing, shrieking Glorfo running down the hallway.

Yes, he was still running down the long hallway away from Elrond (this is not a bright kid).

Faramir stood still as Glorfbob Findlespants smacked into him. He landed on the floor, and looked up with big blue eyes at Faramir.

"What…were you doing?"

ThUh G10rF burst into tears and clung to Faramir's ankles.

"HOMAIGA, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! FIRST THEY WAS THERE, THEN THEY WAS GONE, AND THEN GRAMMAR HAPPENED!! IT TOUCHED ME IN MY PRIVATE SPOTS!!"

Faramir stared ahead grimly.

"It's just as I figured…I'm going to have to perform….PLASTIC SURGERY!!!"

North Glorfkoda stopped sobbing instantly and erupted into cheers.

"I'M SAV-wait. Hang fire. You do plastic surgery?"

Faramir, laying out his tools of doom on a nearby bench, nodded.

"Doctor in disguise at 90210. Believe it!" Faramir snapped his fingers all sassy.

"And you couldn't have fixed that big honkin' nose of yours by now?"

"Excuse me," Faramir cleared his throat. "My nose _multi-tasks_ as an olfactory device, a sensory sex organ, AND a Horn of Gondor. Bitch, PLEASE."

GlorfStyle suddenly felt very inadequate. _Eowyn's LUCKY…_

Faramir the Nose Sex God picked up his accoutrements and prepared to go give Elrond a makeover. But before he could get to the door to Elrond's chambers, he was blocked. Blocked by two very familiar plaid-covered bodies…

_**Switching channels….**_

Outside the palace of Elrond, Aragorn and Arwen, having come back from Minas Tirith to visit family and play a little shuffleboard, were recreating their famed bridge scene. They were standing in the middle of twinkly airbrushed rainforest flowers, rainbows, and an enchanted silver waterfall was trickling lyrically in the background.

"Do you remember how we first met…?"

Aragorn's grease-covered, dirty fingernailed hand strayed from Arwen's neck, over her collarbone….

"You said you'd bind yourself to me…"

…he touched the Evenstar jewel for a brief second…and then….

"BOOBIES!!!"

_HONK! _

Arwen let out a cry of rage, and crack-slapped the King of Gondor across the gullet. He flailed to the side, releasing her left breast.

"Goddamnit, Aragorn!!"

"I just wanted to pet Norris!!"

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP NAMING MY BOSOMS!!!"

"YOU NEVER LET ME HAVE ANYTHING!!!"

"STICK TO THE SCRIPT, YOU USELESS LUMP!!!"

Weeping softly and cradling his cheek, Aragorn resumed the position.

"I shall bind myself to you, forsaking the immortal life of my people…" Arwen breathed.

"Gee, wouldn't that hurt?" Aragorn was confused.

"Shut up."

"If you wanna die, fine by me."

"I shall die with you!!"

"Er….great…." Aragorn decided that now was a good time for one of his famed face eating smootches, and so they did get freaky upon that bridge.

Out of the glittery, airbrushed flowers, the browless Elrond popped out.

"GRAAAAHHH!!" he shrieked in rage and wacked out. "DAMN YOU, DAUGHTER STEALER!!!"

He had a brief seizure, and then disappeared into the undergrowth. Arwen and Aragorn ignored him.

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_**A/N:** Oh, the suspense. I like how Faramir has evolved to become the hero of this fic, despite the fact that he's a useless disappointment-child in the movies. _


	6. Monty and Hams

**Disclaimer:** All characters and stuff © Tolkien

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**_AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!_**

Three chicks were rampaging across the lands of Middle Earth. Eyes wild, hair loose, gowns torn, bosoms inflated with the juice of lust and bellies quivering for one man…one man to satisfy their needs…one man…

Figwit.

Figwit sat in his elf-palace being…well, amazing. When suddenly, Eowyn, Arwen, and Galadriel tore through the doorway and, upon spying Figgy, launched themselves at him and clung to his arms and waist.

"Oh, Figwit! Your perfection! Your gorgeous hair! Your face!! How you smoldered at the Fellowship Council at the background!" Arwen ranted, stroking her palms over his flawless skin.

"Take us, Figwit, and give me pleasures unknown throughout my immortal years!!" Galadriel cried.

"Oh, Figwit!!" Eowyn exclaimed. "I'm going to do things to you that Faramir doesn't even know exist…"

Figwit silently dazzled.

As a pretty sexy foursome was about to get underway, Aragorn, Celeborn, and Eomer burst through the door a rage' in and a rave' in.

Celeborn saw what Galadriel was doing to Figwit's ear, and burst into tears.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY ELVEN PRINCESS!!!" Aragorn roared, kind of pissed that Arwen had ruined their bridge make-out scene to run away for Figwit. Eomer did the silent angry-male-relative flip out dance.

"Galadriel, why??" Celeborn wept.

Eomer and Aragorn drew their swords and were advancing on Figwit, 'bout ready to engage in some fisticuffs, when Figwit glowed out in radiant perfection, and all three males were blinded, and shot into the sky.

"You've set the bar too hiiiiiiiiggggghhhh!!"

They screamed as they flew off into the air. When they landed, they retired to Minas Tirith, to brood over their problems, cry with depression, and eat a bag of ham.

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**_A/N_**: _Yes, I support Figwit. If you don't support Figwit, then your flames will be fed to the evil geese that populate this pond I know of. If you don't know of Figwit, go to __ to enlighten your soul._


	7. The Red Hat Society

Disclaimer: Everything © Tolkien 

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Back in the 'hood… 

Faramir was getting little buzzies in his nose, which meant that something was amiss.

"I shall have to wrap this up quickie," he thought. "Dang, keeping the world in order is tough stuff."

But in front of him he had bigger problems. Clem and Mel were back, regenerated and recharged, emanating hickish Hoosier glory, and blocking Faramir's path to Elrond's plastic surgery. Revenge and judgment day were upon us, as no one insults a Ford and gets away with it.

"We got ya now, you fascist bastard," Clem said triumphantly. "Prepare to taste the bitter retribution of our round barns, covered bridges, and the Brickyard 500."

Faramir threw a small tantrum.

"I don't have time for you people right now!! I have to get eyebrows on Elrond before the fabric of the universe rips apart and life becomes just like a Broadway musical!"

"You mean we'd sing musical numbers with backup dancers every time we went into Walgreen's to buy a can of Axe?" Mel gasped in horror.

"I don't wanna wear tight pants!" sobbed Glorpah-Lumpah.

The two hicks looked at each other, then back at Faramir. Faramir gulped.

"Well, shoot son, beatin' your ass is way less important than preventing ourselves dancin' around all the time like a coupla putzes!!"

Clem and Mel ripped off their plaid shirts.

"Here! Use our back hair for eyebrows!"

They exposed ghastly forests of nightmarishly curly black back hair. The world and Jesus screamed.

"DEAR LORD!!"

Glor-fro seemed reasonably quiet about it. Haven't you seen Aragorn's unwashed scraggles of chest hair? It's quite enough to build immunity.

After new eyebrows were fashioned from the smelly, sweat-soaked hair of the Hoosiers, Elrond regained the source of his power, and went to erase his twin son's existence from the space-time reality.

All seemed well, except for Faramir, who glided from Rivendell across the lands of Middle Earth on the back of Clem and Mel's truck bed, to fulfill one last conflict that had still gone untied…

A schmaltzy wrap-up!! 

Faramir landed in the pad of Figwit, and dismounted from the truck bed. With Clem and Mel flanking him, he advanced into the palace of Figgy, and upon entering the main bedroom, was greeted with a sight of sexy proportions.

He spluttered in disbelief at the foursome that had just taken place with the radiant elf.

"Wha…Eowyn!! How could you!! And Galadriel and Arwen!! And…the Witch-King of Angmar?"

The black-cloaked Wraith was attempting to sneak out of the bedroom. Found out, he stiffened, and then relaxed into a hip-esque pose.

"Well, you found me out," he said, placing his hands on his hips. "What are you staring at? You think I keep those other Eight around just because they make me look cool when we're out pillaging nations?"

Faramir screamed with pain.

"But he was good sandwiched between Galadriel and me," mused Eowyn. "Oh, that reminds me--"

She whipped out a sword and stabbed the Witch-King in the face. He let out a shriek, and started crumpling like a tin can.

"Don't forget to recycle meeeeee!!!" he wailed as he imploded in a sonic boom of death.

Faramir strode over to the smoldering robes, grabbed Eowyn's sword, and faced Figwit.

"GIVE MY BITCH BACK!!" he shrieked.

"Swords are useless, darling, he'll just emanate perfection," Arwen said.

Faramir let the blade clatter to the ground, and got on his knees.

"Eowyn, baby," he begged. "Come back to me. Remember my nose?"

He pointed at it (like you could miss it anyway).

"It's a sensory sex organ!! Do _you_ have a sensory sex organ?" he pointed accusingly at Figwit.

"I _am_ a sensory sex organ," Figwit said evenly. "Go away."

And upon this godly command, Faramir was blasted into the sky much like Aragorn, Eomer, and Celeborn, flew across the land, and landed in Minas Tirith.

"Ice cream?" Aragorn offered.

"Thanks," Faramir took the carton. "You're smelly."

And back at Figwit's palace, Clem and Mel suddenly found themselves out and exposed.

"What tah do now…"

On the side of the bed, Thranduil slowly raised his head over the side to prop his chin on the mattress, smiling his bizarre grin.

"FRUIT BATTER!!" he declared.

Clem and Mel narrowed their little eyes, and dug into their pockets.

"YOU CALL THIS A HOLOGRAPHIC CHARIZARD!?!?" Mel shrieked, brandishing the slip of paper at Thranduil.

"This is most defiantly a Welch's label stuck to a calendar of _'Red Hat Society Gone Wild!' _Sick thing!"

"Ye shall rue the day when you crossed paths wrongly with the Midwest!" Clem glowered.

"RED HAT SOCIETY GIVES ME PLEASURE!" Thranduil yelled.

Clem and Mel let out war-like screams and, throwing the calendar sideways at Galadriel, chased Thranduil out of the house, down the courtyard, and out of sight.

Everyone shrugged, and went back to spooning.

In conclusion, families were destroyed, Glorfindel's mind ruined, and Aragorn, Faramir, and Celeborn ended up broken-hearted all because of Elrond's eyebrows.

And, ironically, after the shenanigans had ended, Legolas and his mirror were the only happy couple left in Middle Earth.

**ThUh EnD **

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_**A/N:** Dana, see, lives in New York. And I live in Indiana. And there has not yet been a shenanigan to bring Indiana and New York beside each other. So I write her fanfics for Christmas and birthday presents!! And Dana, this is what got the crack a-flowing. So, I'm sorry if it isn't more your speed, but this is what's going on. Now if only I had the time to translate our Chicago version into a fanfic….holy snap, that would be grand. _

_MERRY CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR, DECEMBERWEEN, WINTEREENMAS, WINTER SOLSTACE, ROMA, BEND ROMA, TROGDAY, VALENTINE'S DAY, PRESIDENT'S DAY, AND PINEAPPLE PARTY!! _


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